God's Design for a Man's Mid-Life Crisis
God uses all things for good, even the dreaded midlife crisis. So says newly ordained permanent deacon, Dr. Tim Kostamo. “I had a restlessness in my heart... I had a midlife crisis.”
“I think God designed men to have a midlife crisis,” he says.
“Everything becomes routine. Your work is established and routine. Your kids are growing up. God puts the restlessness in our hearts, but many men misinterpret that restlessness.”
“It’s a signal to you that there is a new call in your life.”
He remembers listening to an audiobook in which a reputable Texan lawyer was jailed under a false accusation of fraud. The man told his daughter that despite losing his reputation, money, and family, the thing he most regretted losing in prison was his diaconal ministry.
Kostamo was shocked. “I thought that’s insane,” he said. “What is this diaconate that is so important to him that he would regret losing it this much?”
This was the first time Kostamo considered the diaconate, but when he felt God’s call, he took the question to Msgr. Gregory Smith, his pastor and then–director of the archdiocese’s Permanent Diaconate office.
They were driving up to the Life Restoration Men’s Retreat when Kostamo asked Msgr. Smith about the ministry. “He’s been my confessor for 16 years, he knows me well,” said Kostamo.
After affirming he believed Kostamo’s gifts would suit the diaconate, Msgr. Smith gave him a simple piece of advice: “Just take a course.”
This was five years ago, and ironically, without COVID lockdowns, he might never have taken the advice.
Kostamo was busy balancing his family, his wife, and four children with his full–time work as a surgeon. “There was no way I could have driven out to UBC after a full day of work,” he says. But because of COVID, all the diaconal courses at St. Mark’s were moved to Zoom. He took one course and then another, and soon he applied for the program.
Perhaps it was a poetic flourish by God, but Kostamo’s late application to the program was accepted on his birthday, June 9, which he shares with the feast day of St. Ephram the Syrian, one of only three deacon saints celebrated in the Roman Calendar.
Almost immediately, challenges sprung up in his life. The coursework was arduous and put a strain on his family, and a close family member became very sick.
He remembers driving his kids to sports and other activities with theology lectures playing on the car stereo. “In the battle of darkness and light, the darkness pushed in,” he says. “But I am here, somewhat miraculously!”
He says he was surprised by the joy of the brotherhood he found with the other diaconate candidates.
“That was a real gift to me, they are just fantastic guys,” says Kostamo. “It’s very interesting to see how different their giftings are, but how well we meshed as group — I would do anything for these guys.”
When asked what he is most excited about, he says, “There is nothing that I am not excited about, is maybe the best way to answer that question!”
“I am excited to pray with people and to baptize,” he said. Because he’s a convert, he was “never an altar server, so being at the altar has been a great joy.”
But most of all, perhaps, he is excited to preach — it’s in his blood. Two of his great–grandfathers were preachers in Finland; his father was a missionary, and he remembers composing sermons in his head as a teenager. When he became a doctor, he put aside those impulses, but now that he is being ordained, Kostamo is delighted to find a purpose for that part of his life.
Ultimately, this journey has been a struggle and a joy for Kostamo, and he hopes that other middle–aged men will also consider the vocation.
His message is simple. “If you are going through a period of restlessness in your life, bring that to the altar and say, ‘God, direct me.’”
“Instead of putting it into leisure or hobbies (or a Lamborghini), ask where God wants you to put that energy. That is the most awesome spot.”
This article was originally published at B.C. Catholic here. You can get more info on the ordinations on their website.